2:45 Dancing With The Flames (Quarantine Edition)

It’s 2:45. I watch as the flames dance together inside the candle I just lit as a means to ease my mind from the constant thoughts that manage to emerge when I don’t want them to

I’m constantly traveling back to the past.
Worried about my future, wondering if I’m going to make it in this life
But what does that mean, and what does that look like?
I think I’m stuck where my mind screams 17, but my body says I’m 33
Not being able to live out your life normally.
Not having unfortunate things happen to you that will alter your life’s trajectory as you get older.
And so I dance with the flames as if there isn’t a care in the world.
Peacefully released from this inner turmoil of sadness and confusion
And we dance together in this mesmerizing bliss.
Letting go of the past and not afraid of what’s to come regarding the future
It’s 2:45, and I watch these flames dance this rhythmic dance of completion, togetherness.
And I realize something.
I am not alone
I’m not alone in my pain
My fears
My struggles
My questions for the future
I, like these flames, have a tribe of my own who supports and loves me.

Stuck (Quarantine Edition)

Shackles placed on my mental
I’m unable to process my thoughts
There’s so much that I want to do, say, feel
But it’s as if I’m being held against my will
Constrained by fear
Ideas coming a mile a minute with no creative release
Am I the one to blame?
Am I standing in my own way?
Unable to move forward for fear of what could be on the other side
A constant tug of war with where I’m at, where I’ve been, and where I want to go
I had an idea of where I saw myself
But now that’s disappeared
Faded into the back like an abyss
I know I’m not the only one who’s felt this way before
Too many times to bother counting
At some point, it becomes the norm
It isn’t a good feeling when you’re stuck
I don’t like being content
There’s so much more
Am I capable?
Am I ready?
God and Jesus are my refuges
But even I sometimes get weak
The flesh is weak, and the soul is strong
But even I have questions
I have doubts
I have worries
I can’t be the only one
I’m not alone in this
I’ve been doing this thing on my own now for a while
I haven’t had a constant mentor in my corner showing me how to move
I’ve had to figure it out
And now I’m at a standstill
Do I go right, left, or straight?
Unable to see what’s in my future, but if I could, would I even want to?
Am I making excuses for myself?
They say the toughest battles reveal the greatest rewards
Sometimes you have to sit and be still
Wait on the Lord
But faith without work is dead
And right now, I’m feeling my head constantly spinning, wondering, hoping, wishing
Maybe I’m not stuck after all
Maybe I’m meant to be right where I am
Maybe I have to give it time
To see the silver lining
To continuously hone my craft, find my voice
Maybe what I feel is a setback, and a means of contentment is actually preparing me for something great