Lost II

I’m unraveling at the seams and I can’t seem to find my way back to the normalcy I once felt.

There was a time where I knew what I wanted out of life, and now all that seems lost.

Somewhere down the line, I stopped giving a fuck.

I removed all my hopes and dreams and fell deeper in despair, into the pain.

This became my new normal.

This became my comfort zone.

This is where I reside today.

A ball of confusion, unsure of who I am and my purpose.

It’s a dangerous place to be in.

I stare back at my reflection wondering who are you, and why are you here?

After you’ve traveled so far down, it’s hard to come back up.

Am I willing to take that journey to find me again?

So much of me is broken that I don’t even smile to hide the pain anymore.

I’m lost and that’s okay. I’ll find my way back someday, somehow.

My life will mean something again.

 

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Did I do or Say Something Wrong?

Another “no” to add to my endless job search. This time it’s from a writing business called Shortform. I’m still waiting to hear back from a job I applied for with the city of Chicago. Fingers and toes crossed as I try to stay as optimistic as only a person can. Faith, you have to have faith, Morgan. And I do, it’s just difficult sometimes to keep that glimmer of hope alive when every opportunity I seek is met with a no response or a general message of why this company has decided not to hire you for one reason or another.

But I keep going despite the odds stacked against me. I keep going because there’s some part of me that still holds out hope that one day I’ll receive a yes, and it will be the yes of a lifetime. The one I’ve dreamed of. Lately, I’ve been going with the flow. I used to have an end goal in sight, but not anymore. I’ve lost it somewhere in the constant pile of nos. Life is like that sometimes, and it isn’t about the constant rejection. Rather it’s how I respond to it. Okay, I’m lying. It is about rejection. All the “Thank you but…” or “We appreciate your interest…” has got me feeling did I do or say something wrong?

Every so often it hits me, and I get into my feelings. And if you haven’t figured out already, this is one of those times. Writing has always been my passion and always will. However, I’ve contemplated starting over several times in a different career, but I’m not sure where to begin. There’s also an expiration date when it comes to careers and the field one chooses. And I feel as though I’ve reached mine with writing. I just don’t know anymore. Life is short, and so I often think about what my life will be like once my support system is gone home to be with Christ.

I want to be able to successfully provide for myself without question. I don’t want to be mediocre/average. Do I continue receiving nos as long as I can say I tried? I have a makeshift vision board in my room to remind me of the goals I have set for myself. Instead of using pictures, I chose words. How fitting? It’s dated for 2018 until, and I have yet to see any progress made. Maybe there’s progress happening behind the scenes. Some of what I wrote didn’t happen, but I’m okay with that because it’s life, and God has the final say. After all, we are all His children.

I can’t say fully why this company or that organization didn’t accept me. What I can do is continue to push forward even if I have no idea where I am headed. God has ordained my steps and I must trust and have faith in that. So, did I do or say something wrong? Yes, because they didn’t hire me, but their loss is my gain and I will continue to apply myself until my last breath.

Not A Day Goes By

Not a day goes by that I don’t miss your smile

Or the talks we had

Or your laugh

Not a day goes by where I don’t miss you sitting on that couch we’d watch TV and laugh or you’d watch your cowboy movies

I know you’re not supposed to question, but at first I did asking God why you? Why this way?

But we all have a purpose to serve and an expiration date

Some people never get to fulfill the purpose God has instilled in them

And I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt

I’m confused by the lack of emotion in me

I watch the sadness in my mother’s eyes and the pain written all over my cousin’s face

But then I remembered what I prayed that night ever since I found out what you were going through

God has continued to give me strength

HE has helped me to become the person I need to be in order to be there for my family

My tears are shed at the thought of you no longer being here and I miss you dearly, but I know you’ve gone to heaven where you’re resting and rejoicing peacefully

I know you know I love you that goes without saying, and I know I’ll see you again one day, but not a day goes by where I don’t think of your smiling face

Love,

Sir

2019

You’re here

I’m thankful to God that I am able to see you

But if I’m being honest, it hasn’t been quite eventful

In fact, it’s started off kind of rocky

But through it all, I must remain thankful

For the good, bad, and unforeseen

Because each provides a lesson that must be learned

So I welcome the opportunities, the bad breaks/misfortunes, and the endless memories that will be made

Hello, 2019.

I welcome the endless possibilities you’ll bring

 

Dream Chaser

You went and followed your dreams

And here I am stuck

But it isn’t your fault

I can’t blame you

We both have different lives we live

Yours seem less confined

Mine has me feeling like I’m locked up in chains

But, you’re the dream chaser

I often wonder where would I be if this chair wasn’t holding me

Holding me hostage

Unable to excel at what my heart desires

Honestly though, I’ve got to laugh at that one cause I don’t know what my purpose is anymore

There isn’t that fire, that spark that has me jumping for joy

Just the taste of it and I’m hooked

But then I think about how maybe there’s a reason for this chair and a reason why things are the way they are in my life

Count your blessings you whinny asshole

It could be worse

And so I sit and daydream about that day when my dreams will manifest

You can’t let fear be your downfall

You clearly didn’t

But some things have limitations, and it’s clear what mine are

Dream chaser

At least one of us can see our name in lights, right?

Ungrateful

Misery loves company, and maybe you love watching all the unfortunate breaks happen to us because you’re not where you’d like to be

And maybe I’m stuck in my own self-pity

And you are too, but you’re also ungrateful

Unwilling to acknowledge all the things that are being done for you

Have been done for you

Fed up would be an understatement to how I feel at this point

I don’t doubt you love us, but I do know that you will take care of yourself first when it comes down to it

What we are dealing with is significantly small compared to the bigger and saddening catastrophes of the world

But yet, I still feel the weight

The sadness of my mother’s eyes

The hunger and dedication of wanting to better our situation and somehow I still come up short

My faith used to be enormous

It’s slowly dwindling down to nothing now

Circumstances can do that to a person

So I write to release

Getting out the feelings I can’t speak

I write

Hoping and praying that our situation will improve

It’s evident you’re not changing, but hopefully, I can better my circumstances

Because although I may be in misery right now, one thing is crystal clear…

I DO NOT WANT the company

 

Wild Heart

Barefoot in the sand with images of you running through my mind

I move closer towards the water

So peaceful, so blue, crystal clear

I smile at the thought of what used to be

No longer in each other’s lives

I appreciate the memories though

The sand crumbles between my toes as I watch the sunset

We used to do this together

But here I stand alone left with the memory of me and you

Your hand touches my face as I feel the wind breeze through my hair

I can get lost in this moment forever

Say you’ll never leave

Please don’t go

But as the waves wash against the shore I am reminded that you’re leaving

Sand between my toes as I look out into a sea of beauty

The night sky is fast approaching and while I would love to stay and reminisce I must be going

There are new memories to be made

New beaches for me to explore

New opportunities for me to run barefoot

Freely taking in everything around me

Wild heart

 

Lost

Somehow I found myself standing at the edge of no return

Feeling as if I am all alone in this

A fight with no clear winner

A beginning with no end

Constantly running, reaching for something but it’s unclear as to what you’re reaching for

A smile plastered on a face that hides a deep sadness, a yearning for things to be different

Lost

Unsure where to go and how you’re going to get there

Lost

Unable to find your way amongst the sea of people who try and help you

Lost

As you stand at the edge of that cliff

Should you jump and take a chance or back away for fear of what might await you?

Smiling Through the Tears

Some days it’s hard to smile through the constant tears that invade my life, but I try.

A painted on grin from ear to ear masks a past filled with pain and uncertainty, which has grown as time has continued on.

Life. This interesting thing we are discovering filled with ups, downs, twists, turns, love, and heartache.

Learning to smile through the tears takes skill not many can master.

Not many will be faced with depression, sadness, anger, confusion, and so much more because of it.

I choose to smile, but there’s this lingering thought in my head questioning why?

You’re comfortable in the darkness, in the shadows, below those that shine brightly while you claw your way trying to get to where they are because you don’t recognize your full potential.

You’re not beneath anyone. In fact, you’re above.

Creating your own lane, creating a path all your own.

But sometimes you feel unworthy as if you don’t belong.

An outcry for help goes unheard because no one truly sees you for who you are and what you can become.

Greatness.

You Need to Have a “Come to Jesus” Moment With Yourself.

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Have you ever had a “come to Jesus” moment? With yourself? For someone else? I’ve had several, and each time I’ve learned the truth about myself whether I wanted to hear it or not. There are two things I need to acknowledge, however, before moving forward:

  1. What’s a “come to Jesus” moment?
  2. And what qualifies as a “come to Jesus” moment, who needs it, and when should it take place?

Now I know that question two was a bit loaded. But let’s address my reasoning behind this post first before answering the questions. There’s been a lot of back and forth in my life recently. Dealing with family, career, and everything in between. The only thing keeping me sane at this point is prayer and my faith. I’ve been exploring several options career-wise, going on interviews, getting rejected, and nothing seems to pan out.

And you could say well, join the club. There’s a lot of people experiencing rejection whether it’s with family, career, what have you. And you’re right, but maybe by me addressing this topic, I could help someone else out who might not know how to sort through everything. My reason for this post is because I am having a “come to Jesus” moment with myself right now.

I am acknowledging that I am not satisfied with how things are happening in my life, so this brings me to my first question: What’s considered a “come to Jesus” moment? Everyone has their own opinion, but I feel that having this sort of moment means that you’re acknowledging what is happening within your life or someone else’s life that you may care about, and you would like to see a positive change happen.

What qualifies as a “come to Jesus” moment, who needs it, and when should it take place? Acknowledging that you have certain situations happening in your life that you might not agree with, and willing to discuss it is what I feel qualifies as that moment. Anyone can have it, and it can take place anywhere. Over the phone, in person, even via email. 

Life is full of ups and downs, but taking those lessons in both the good and bad is honestly what I feel life is about. It’s about the journey. How you’ve managed to improve your life and make it better than say last year.

download (1)Improvement. Acknowledgment. Discussion. These are just three areas that I’ve been a part of in order to work through my own “come to Jesus” moment. I’ve acknowledged that there was an issue within my life, I’ve discussed that specific issue with who I needed to whether in prayer or talking with someone, and I’ve worked towards improving as best I can so that the issue/situation doesn’t linger if it doesn’t need to.

This saying “come to Jesus” moment is actually a saying that most are familiar with, but have maybe used a different saying or tactic behind getting to the resolution. Everyone’s different. This is my way of putting it out in the universe as a reminder to again, acknowledge my problems and try my best to rectify them as best I can.

Blessings,

M