I Miss You

This will be hard to write

But I need to clear my mind

I miss you

It’s been eight months since you’ve passed and it still doesn’t seem real

I look over at the spot where you used to sit, and you’re not there

I can’t believe you’re gone

I miss you

I’m left with memories that will soon fade no matter how much I try my hardest to keep them etched in my brain

One thing’s for sure, the love you have for all of us will never fade

Not a day goes by where I don’t see your face or think of something you may have done or said

I love you, and I miss you, and I can’t wait till I see you again

I’m baffled a bit at how your passing affected me when I was old enough to understand and have feelings toward my other loved ones who went home

But it’s different, and I don’t mean no disrespect, because I love and miss then too

I think of you, and it hurts, and I know when they passed I thought of them also, and it hurt

I just wish you all could come back to me but have your health and strength

We miss you is all, and we will see you again

Lonely

The days go by as I sit inside a room

Nothing to keep me company but my thoughts

Unsure of what tomorrow will bring

If I will make it, fulfill my dreams, which are slowly slipping away

It’s all becoming a blur

I had one goal and then another, but somehow they merged until it became hard to untangle the mess I have before me

Clarity is just a breeze in the wind

I reach out to feel it moving around me

I know it’s not tangible, but let me have my moment

I’m lonely

No direction, no idea of where to begin, and if I did how to finish, how to breakthrough this tangled web of uncertainty

I’m lonely

Even with people around, I feel as if I am the only one in the room left with my thoughts

We’ve all felt this way at some point and time, but that doesn’t take away the fact that I am an individual

I go through my shit that has nothing to do with you, and you deal with your shit that has nothing to do with me, but somehow we’re connected by us both being lonely

Left with our thoughts, emotions, days of pain, depression, sadness, madness, and a few good days filled with sunshine and happy thoughts

Nothing throwing us off our game

But when that cloud comes, it enters the room making its presence known

It’s there to do a job

So now, I’m back to feeling lonely

Inside a room with my thoughts

Unsure of what tomorrow will bring

If I will achieve my goals, fulfill my dreams

Or will I succumb to the loneliness inside

The Demons You Keep at Bay

Nobody knows about the demons you keep at bay

Or maybe they do

Maybe you’ve told them

Or maybe they’ve known but have chosen to stay silent

These memories of the past have lingered on for far too long

Causing torment every time the thought crosses your mind

You try and make peace

Talk with God, but yet the demons still surface

Every now and again letting you know they’re still there

These are the demons you try hard to keep at bay

Releasing them will cause significant damage, but at least your burden will be set free

Let go and let God

If you’ve given it to Him then let His work be done

No longer carrying the burden of hurting loved ones

Release the skeletons in your closet

Give to the Almighty

He had you then, He has you now, and He’ll have you Forever

Sir

Memories forever etched in my brain

I tried my hardest to prepare, but nothing could prepare me for that final day

Never getting the chance to say goodbye or that I love you one last time

Time continues on and I’m left with memories

The pain gets less, but there are some times when I break

I wore your shirt today

Your smile so bright

Your eyes shining with light

I know you’re at peace

Together again with those you love…

Those memories that we shared will forever stay in my mind

I thank God for the time I had with you

The laughter we shared

I thank you for your gems of wisdom and your unconditional support and love

I miss you daily

Sincerely,

Sir

 

 

Lost II

I’m unraveling at the seams and I can’t seem to find my way back to the normalcy I once felt.

There was a time when I knew what I wanted out of life, and now all that seems lost.

Somewhere down the line, I stopped giving a fuck.

I removed all my hopes and dreams and fell deeper in despair, into the pain.

This became my new normal.

This became my comfort zone.

This is where I reside today.

A ball of confusion, unsure of who I am and my purpose.

It’s a dangerous place to be in.

I stare back at my reflection wondering who are you, and why are you here?

After you’ve traveled so far down, it’s hard to come back up.

Am I willing to take that journey to find me again?

So much of me is broken that I don’t even smile to hide the pain anymore.

I’m lost and that’s okay. I’ll find my way back someday, somehow.

My life will mean something again.

 

Did I do or Say Something Wrong?

Another “no” to add to my endless job search. This time it’s from a writing business called Shortform. I’m still waiting to hear back from a job I applied for with the city of Chicago. Fingers and toes crossed as I try to stay as optimistic as only a person can. Faith, you have to have faith, Morgan. And I do, it’s just difficult sometimes to keep that glimmer of hope alive when every opportunity I seek is met with a no response or a general message of why this company has decided not to hire you for one reason or another.

But I keep going despite the odds stacked against me. I keep going because there’s some part of me that still holds out hope that one day I’ll receive a yes, and it will be the yes of a lifetime. The one I’ve dreamed of. Lately, I’ve been going with the flow. I used to have an end goal in sight, but not anymore. I’ve lost it somewhere in the constant pile of nos. Life is like that sometimes, and it isn’t about the constant rejection. Rather it’s how I respond to it. Okay, I’m lying. It is about rejection. All the “Thank you but…” or “We appreciate your interest…” has got me feeling did I do or say something wrong?

Every so often it hits me, and I get into my feelings. And if you haven’t figured out already, this is one of those times. Writing has always been my passion and always will. However, I’ve contemplated starting over several times in a different career, but I’m not sure where to begin. There’s also an expiration date when it comes to careers and the field one chooses. And I feel as though I’ve reached mine with writing. I just don’t know anymore. Life is short, and so I often think about what my life will be like once my support system is gone home to be with Christ.

I want to be able to successfully provide for myself without question. I don’t want to be mediocre/average. Do I continue receiving nos as long as I can say I tried? I have a makeshift vision board in my room to remind me of the goals I have set for myself. Instead of using pictures, I chose words. How fitting? It’s dated for 2018 until, and I have yet to see any progress made. Maybe there’s progress happening behind the scenes. Some of what I wrote didn’t happen, but I’m okay with that because it’s life, and God has the final say. After all, we are all His children.

I can’t say fully why this company or that organization didn’t accept me. What I can do is continue to push forward even if I have no idea where I am headed. God has ordained my steps and I must trust and have faith in that. So, did I do or say something wrong? Yes, because they didn’t hire me, but their loss is my gain and I will continue to apply myself until my last breath.

Auntie

I’ve cried quite a few times

When I think about you it doesn’t seem real, feel real

I can’t seem to grasp my mind around the fact that you’re gone

But I know you’re resting peacefully

Grandma, Malcolm and Uncle Buck are with you

Not to mention all of your other relatives who have welcomed you with open arms

But I’m sorry I have to be selfish

Because I miss and need you here

I need to hear you laugh, see you smile, argue with me and remind me that you are the adult and I am the child

Cheer me on, give me courage when I am weak and nervous…

A part of me will always feel empty

A part of my heart shattered when you made your transition at 1:04 in the morning

You were more than just an auntie to me. You were my friend

I lean heavily on God and Jesus more than I did before

I can openly admit that

My faith has always been in existence

I don’t doubt that there’s a heaven and a hell

I don’t doubt that when it’s my time I will see you and all my loved ones again

I will continue to make you proud

I will continue to be there for my mom, Auntie Bae-Bae, Nivea, Kenya, Tray, and Alia because that’s what you wanted

I needed to write this as a means of release

To feel the waves of emotions pulsating through me

To continue and understand that just as there is a beginning, there’s also an end

To write what you already know…

I love and miss you auntie and I will forever be your Sir ❤

Not A Day Goes By

Not a day goes by that I don’t miss your smile

Or the talks we had

Or your laugh

Not a day goes by where I don’t miss you sitting on that couch we’d watch TV and laugh or you’d watch your cowboy movies

I know you’re not supposed to question, but at first I did asking God why you? Why this way?

But we all have a purpose to serve and an expiration date

Some people never get to fulfill the purpose God has instilled in them

And I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt

I’m confused by the lack of emotion in me

I watch the sadness in my mother’s eyes and the pain written all over my cousin’s face

But then I remembered what I prayed that night ever since I found out what you were going through

God has continued to give me strength

HE has helped me to become the person I need to be in order to be there for my family

My tears are shed at the thought of you no longer being here and I miss you dearly, but I know you’ve gone to heaven where you’re resting and rejoicing peacefully

I know you know I love you that goes without saying, and I know I’ll see you again one day, but not a day goes by where I don’t think of your smiling face

Love,

Sir

Sad, Lonely and Confused

So many feelings rummaging through my mind, my heart, my soul

I’m lonely, sad and confused

Untangling these crazy thoughts inside of a mind filled with fear

I lost a loved one so dear

Close to me not like any other

My best friend

The other half of my heart ripped a part

Each piece given to a loved one I’ve lost

Trying to fill this gaping hole with things and people who don’t matter

Sad, lonely and confused

Going through the motions and I’m not sure if I’ll make it out on the other side

This isn’t Goodbye

This isn’t goodbye or see you later

Rather a reintroduction

You were there for many of my firsts

Long talks just shooting the breeze

You said you’d never leave me you’d always be here

So this isn’t goodbye

I told you to fight and damn it you better fight

Prayer warriors surround you lifting you up and filling you with God’s grace, mercy and love

You are a child of the Most High God

And although our day must come where we rest and go home to be with our heavenly Father

I strongly want to believe through my faith and trust in God that this isn’t your time

This isn’t goodbye

Just a minor setback for ever so glorious testimony

I love you and I know you will be back with us again