I Can’t Love You (Poem)

I can’t love you until I learn how and what it means to love myself
I can’t love you until I’ve let go of past mistakes and hurt that I’ve carried with me in what feels like forever
I can’t love you even though I know you love me
It’s the look in your eyes, the way you hold my hands in yours, the way you bring me close, holding on to a body so broken and a mind riddled with pain.
It’s the way you accept my flaws
You make me laugh
You help me to see that there’s more to life than just living in my comfort zone.
Misery loves company
So is that why you love me?
Because you come with your own set of baggage that we each, in our ways, help one another unpack?
Tell me why you love me
Be truthful
I can take the shots of honesty
At times I see the hurt in your eyes when you look at me
You’re trying so hard to decipher something that I don’t think you can
I would love to reciprocate the love you have for me
I push, you pull
But I can’t love you no matter how many times I’ve tried
And yet, yet you continue to stay willing to fight for us, for a dream you’ve concocted in your mind I’m not sure will come true
I can’t love you, but somehow I do
From the depths of my soul, my heart aches for you
I’m trying, but it’s not working
How much do you have left in you?
How many rounds are you willing to go?
Baby, I’m tired.
Will you still be here while I work on myself and try to mend what’s broken?
While you wait for me, will you work on things within yourself that you need to?
And if we’re meant to rejoin as one once we’ve done the work, will it all be worth it in the end?
Because honesty is the best policy, and right now, I’m sitting here looking in those beautiful brown eyes of yours, pouring what’s left of me out to you, saying I can’t love you until I learn to love myself.

Dating 101 (Poem)

Do I shut down and go back into my cocoon?
My safe space where I don’t have to deal with uncomfortable nonsense.
Or is it only nonsense because I won’t move from out of my comfort zone?
Why do I consistently do this to myself?
What you want is unattainable if you’re unwilling to try.
Why do I let my emotions control me over something so minor, so trivial?
Things that I want out of life.
Am I standing in my way?
Preventing myself from the things that I want.
My mind is going a mile a minute thinking of everything that makes me who I am.
And from that, I wonder who would want to get to know me.
And then it’s fuck it. I can eat at the table alone.
But do I want to?
I wish I could turn my feelings off.
Time to put my armor on and return to my protective shell like that of a crab.
I’m just looking for someone interested and willing to meet me halfway.
But this isn’t something I’m not used to.
I’ve been down this road before.
I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.
My mouth speaks the words, but my mind questions if what my mouth is saying is accurate.
So much goes into dating.
I’m just one person in a sea full of people trying to gain their balance and find their way to a meaningful connection filled with butterflies and nerves.

Muted Voices

I am nothing to be desired.
You are nothing to be desired.
We come together as one under the notion that we can provide each other instant gratification under the pretense that no one else wants us and no one ever will.
We are each other’s company during a time of self-pity, loneliness, regret, confusion, and deception.
It has crept into our brains hell bent on destroying us from the inside, manifesting itself on the outside as we partake in activities trying to fulfill each other’s needs.
But how can one truly satisfy another?
How can we know the true depths of our souls as we feel alone and abandoned?
How can we know how to provide comfort to that very thing that keeps us breathing here on this earth? Our hearts.
Muted voices
We’ve been broken down by this world that’s supposed to be our home.
That’s supposed to bring us peace.
Only to be ostracized by what we thought we needed, we thought needed and wanted us.
We’re outcasts bearing our souls for this world to see.
Joined together by our fight, our need to be heard
Muted voices
We don’t feel like we belong
Hell, we wouldn’t have been brought together had they not forced us out here alone with their beliefs and opinions that neither of us agreed to partake in.
They silenced us, or at least they thought they did.
I refuse to stay submerged under the pretense that what this world has done, correction what the people have done is for the greater good of this world.
What do they know?
They’re figuring it out as they go.
Just like you and I had to.
But because we disagreed, they banished us.
Muted our voices so we couldn’t be heard.
Well, I refuse to stay silent any longer.
I refuse to be held down.
Today, I unlock the chains that have kept me weighed down.
I break the cycle.
A cycle that for so long has dictated my entire life.
I don’t want that anymore.
Not for you or me.
My once muted voice is now free to speak out.
And I have a lot to say.
Muted no more.

Sabotage (Semi-Quarantine Edition)

Have you ever chosen not to do something out of fear?

No matter how good you thought you might be, your fear, anxiety, depression, all the things that hold you captive prevented you from following through.

You screwed yourself time and time again.

And each time, the personal torment, the personal anger, and frustration you feel builds

You’ve lost your way, unsure of how to get back to the person you once knew.

You’ve grown accustomed to the way things are now.

Your new normal.

Is it too late to turn back?

Find your footing.

Find your ground.

Take that leap of faith reemerging as the person you once knew, but with a slighter edge.

A willingness to go after what you want no longer standing in your own way.

No longer sabotaging yourself because, as they say, misery loves company

So, can it be done?

Is it even possible?

Can you put down your fears, anxiety, depression, and all of the things that, while may provide you with this weird sense of comfort, also causes you so much pain, and step out on faith knowing that even though you may have screwed up once again, God forgives, God provides, and God loves, and for that, you can continue to fight another day

Purpose (Semi-Quarantine Edition)

These aches and pains have to be for something
There has to be a reason for the ever-ending nos
The constant rejection
The self-doubt
Wondering if I’ll ever find my footing in a world filled with so much and so little
Wondering what’s my purpose
Why was I brought into this world? My presence on this earth
Am I here to inspire? Am I here to help?
So many questions
I know I’m not the only one
At some point in your life, you’ve had the same thought as I’m bringing to the surface
What’s my purpose?
My life, your life has to mean something not just to our family and friends
The reason for being, living, doing, and seeing things
It’s what drives you, helps you to understand what you are to do and why
But if you are unsure, then what do you do?
How do you find it?
Writing is a release
Innermost thoughts now become public divulgence
Is my purpose to write? Do something else?
Not sure.
Maybe that’s the point of my journey finding what my purpose is
But how old is too old for you to try and find yourself before it’s too late?

Is it Okay to Not be Okay?

I woke up, and I’m thankful

Some days are difficult than others and today happens to be one of those days

I never want God to feel as if I’m not appreciative or that I don’t believe he’s here for me because I know that he is

Am I wrong for feeling how I feel?

There’s so much unfortunate things happening in this world

I should be grateful because my situation could be different

The Bible says bring all of your worries and troubles to God

And I do, but sometimes writing helps to release feelings I can’t verbally explain

Am I wrong for writing my feelings down even if it’s in this capacity for others to see, to read?

Everything is not meant to be shared with everyone

But sometimes it helps to let it out

Telling the right people of course

Is it okay to not be okay?

Is it okay to be in your feelings?

Unable to express how you feel because you aren’t sure what’s quite wrong, but you know something’s wrong

Maybe it’s an off day

Not sure

Don’t quite understand it

Just going with the flow as I’ve done so many times before

Life is an interesting journey

Full of ebbs and flows

Full of choices

Moments filled with joy

Filled with sadness

Filled with uncertainity

Is it Okay to Not be Okay?

I suppose

And today, just isn’t my day

A World Apart

I will never be equal to a world that’s filled with able-bodied individuals
That’s my reality, and sometimes I’m okay with that, and sometimes I’m not
As a disabled African American woman, I see the world differently
I encounter things differently
My struggles
My pain
The inaccessible world I live in
We’ve come a long way thanks to the ADA (American With Disabilities Act)
But I feel as if we still have a long way to go
So much to overcome
And if you’re not affected by the inaccessibility this world has put so many disabled people in, then it’s out of sight and out of mind for you
But I have to live with my shortcomings every day
Everyone has them, but some are more taxing than most
I’m a world apart from everyone else
I’ve never wanted to fit in
I wanted the freedom to come and do as I please
And just because someone with a disability can do this or that doesn’t mean we all can
We all have our own struggles to deal with
A world apart
My view is different than yours and yours different from mine

You (Quarantine Edition)

Sometimes I wish I were you
That I had what you had
But I don’t know all you’ve been through
All I know is what I’ve got
How I’ve lived my life as best, I could
Not always making the right decisions
I sometimes wonder what your life has been like
Would you switch places with someone else if you could?
I know my life is my own, and yours is yours
We each have our paths to follow
Our journeys filled with lessons, laughter, heartache, and pain
Uncertainty and times of confidence so strong it fills a room
Your presence is undeniable
Were you always this way?
Or did it take time to blossom?
Time for you to find your voice, your groove
Yeah, I watch from afar, and sometimes I wish I had what you had
Could be in the position you were in
But then I wouldn’t have accomplished all the fantastic and amazing things I have
I wouldn’t have the loving and supportive family that I do
And all that glitters isn’t gold
And the grass isn’t always greener on the other side
So when I think about it, if I had to choose your life or mine
I’d pick mine each time because at least I know what I’m dealing with, and God has equipped me with the tools to handle what I need to
Yeah, from afar, you seem perfect, but there are cracks in everything

Legacy (Quarantine Edition)

How do you want to be remembered?
Do you know, understand what your purpose is?
The reason you are on this earth
Your gifts, talents, the effect you have on the people you’ve met and will meet along your journey.
Your family. The role you have within each of their lives
Do you understand how significant you are?
The magnitude and the devastating loss it would cause if we ever lost you.
Are you capable of carrying that responsibility upon your shoulders?
Standing tall, being proud because you matter.
This is your legacy.
Your lasting imprint on the world
How do you want them to see you?
What do you want them to remember?

Pleasure in my Pain (Quarantine Edition)

I pinch myself just to make sure I’m okay

You’re speaking to me but I haven’t heard a word you said

All I know is you take pleasure in my pain

When you showed me who you were it was like a two-sided coin

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

In time truth reveals all, and it has become clear that I can no longer hide

You’re talking at me instead of to me

You’re staring at me, and I can’t make out if you want to kill me or leave me

And here I stand wondering how we got here

Wondering when that pleasure turned into pain

Wondering when the image staring back at me was one I didn’t recognize, didn’t appreciate?

I’m taking pleasure in my own pain

No one to blame but myself

Sick, twisted, unrealistic, non comprehensible

A double edged sword. Two personalities living in one body…my body