Hello Depression, My Name Is

You hold me close, never to let go
I push, you pull
A constant back and forth
Relinquish me from this hell
I’ve done my time
You’ve found joy in my pain
You relish in my tears
I am your familiar, and you are mine
A comfort zone of sorts
Something I am used to no matter how hard I try and breakaway
You keep pulling me back in
Hello Depression, my name is
I’m tired of the fighting
I’m tired of the wondering
I’m tired of the questions
I’m tired of being bonded in shackles
I’ve fought so much that I’m drained
I’ve given in countless times
What is happiness?
How does it feel?
What does it mean to be complete?
Hello Depression, my name is Morgan
And I’m tired
Please release me
Please give me my freedom

Honesty Hour

I feel like a prisoner in my own home.

Confined to a room

My family and I recently moved, and I was under the impression and optimistic about this particular house being accessible for my needs

I was wrong

I do understand, however, that no house will ever be completely accessible

What hurts the most for me is it’s a struggle to get up and down my own steps

I just don’t feel like doing that every day

Having to ask my mother who has aliments herself to help me up and down the stairs every time I want to go downstairs or come back up to my bedroom

At this moment, having Cerebral Palsy sucks

It’s like I got one good thing and then a bunch of other shitty options to try and balance everything out, and it doesn’t

I have been sharing a room with someone my whole life, and now I finally get a room to myself, but now I can’t be as independent as I’d like because I can’t travel freely throughout my house, nor am I able to shower without receiving assistance now, whereas, before I could do it on my own

The tub is lower, which makes it difficult for me to transfer in and out, and there’s too much space between the tub, the equipment I use to shower, and the sink. I need something to hold onto to feel secure to transfer from my chair into the shower, and unfortunately, I don’t have that

I’m over crying and wondering why me? Now I am angry and fed up with the inaccessibility I have to endure when all I want to do is live my life accordingly, and I feel as if I can’t

I went back and forth as to whether I should write and post this knowing other people will possibly read and see this, but then I thought, why the fuck not?

Writing for me and releasing my feelings is like an artist releasing their feelings in a song, or a painter painting their emotions on a canvas.

I’m releasing how I feel at this very moment just to get it out of my head. Will it make me feel better? Probably not. But it’s out. I’ve had several conversations with Jesus, God, and my angels, and I know faith is very vital in this situation, but I am human, and my flesh is weak.

Weak to the point where I am using this platform, my blog, to vent what is inside my mind, my heart. I’ve started using this saying, “Such is life” a whole lot because I feel that when things are beyond my control, “such is life.”

I try my hardest to look at the positives of this situation. I have my family, my health, and my strength. We have a roof over our heads, food to eat, so many people don’t have that, so you have to be thankful, and then I ask myself at what point does what you are feeling become a whine-fest or are you valid in how you feel and your concerns?

I don’t know what to think or feel anymore. I’m sick and tired of this inaccessibility bullshit. I just want to live my life as normal as possible. I’m deserved that, right?

I don’t know. Such is life. Rant over.

Restless

My spirit is restless

My soul is too

I’m anxiously awaiting for something to happen that hasn’t come

Most days I’m on pins and needles

I’m in my head trying to quiet the restless thoughts that try their hardest to make their voice heard

I wonder if I’m doing this or that right as far as my life’s concerned

I cry when I think of you

You’re physically gone

But with me in spirit

I can’t seem to quiet this restless mind of mine

Thoughts are constantly coming

I sit and observe

Hoping for a better outcome for myself,

but I have to be the one to put in the effort

I’m tired of being tired

I’m tired of trying to quiet my mind

I’m tired of being down in the dumps

Unable to bring myself out of the slumps

Seeing others around me

Feeling as if they’re succeeding

While I’ve so easily succumbed to defeat

The grass may seem greener on the other side

But is it the greenest that it can be?

Looks are deceiving, but all I know is what I feel

And right now, I feel alone and unsure, and I’m just anxiously awaiting for the other shoe to drop

 

You

You know my secrets and I know yours

When I was at my lowest, you were there

Hand out, a reassuring look, and a shoulder to lean on

I can’t say thank you enough

Your smile

Your touch

Your caring nature

Not a day goes by where I’m not told “I’m beautiful”

Or find a sweet note placed gently on my pillow

You came along and mended these broken pieces of my heart with love and care…

One day, the time will come. The moment we’ve both prayed for.

We’ll meet. An instant connection as if we’ve known each other forever

You’ll see me

And I’ll see you

Just an automatic connection between two souls forever bonded by the attraction and love we have for one another without uttering a word

Echoes

I can still hear your voice as if you’re right here talking with me

Memories forever etched into my mind

I can still hear you saying “Oh my God” as I called out “Auntie here I come” as I made my way down the steps

I still remember the arguments

The times I made you feel less than because you spelled a word wrong or used it incorrectly in a sentence

Or the times you cried because your children did something you didn’t approve of

Or the times you and my mother would argue

All these memories both good and bad

Like the time you and I would dance in our chairs just because

Or the times you’d say, “Morgan, you have to use your head for more than a hat rack.”

Then there was the time when you bought me Michelle Obama’s book Becoming for Christmas

And the time as a little girl when you grabbed my hands, held me up, and let me dance my heart out wearing my pink polka-dot skirt as you cheerfully said, “Drop it to the floor.”

All these memories both good and bad etched into my mind

I want to say I’m sorry for all the hurtful things I did to you

I want to tell you how we all miss and love you, especially my mom

We know you are with our heavenly father

We know that you feel no more pain

We know that your love for us runs deep

And we know that when it’s our time we’ll all be reunited again

So until that time, I’ll keep with me all the memories…

I can still hear your voice as if you’re right here talking with me

You’d say, “Sir, everything’s going to be alright.”

 

 

What Does it Mean to Love?

We want so many things out of life

Some of us achieve it, and some of us don’t

How bad do you want it?

Do you even know what you want?

Some of us spend our entire life searching

Sometimes we don’t even know what we’re searching for

Walking aimlessly (or in my case, rolling)

What does it mean to love?

Wanting something so much that it hurts

What does it mean to love?

To accept it into your life, you’d first have to love yourself, right?

How can you love another when you don’t even like or love yourself sometimes?

What does it mean to love?

As the days wind down, you’re wondering, hoping that you find what it is you’re seeking

That undeniable feeling of someone holding you close

Cherishing every part of you good and bad

The light and the dark

The sun and the moon

The ying to your yang

The butterflies every time they enter into the room

What does it mean to love?

Will, you ever know?

Have that feeling?

“You have to put yourself out there,” they say

Could it be that you just like the idea of a relationship?

Life and its many winding roads to discovery or self destruct

Choices

Life is full of choices

So, what does it really mean to love?

Love yourself

Someone else

There are numerous answers to this tricky question

The simple answer is it means something different for each one of us

We’ve all experienced something different when we’ve dealt with this four-letter word

There’s been heartache, there’s been joy, there’s been confusion and even certainty

Love is like that

It can grip the depths of your soul and cause so much pleasure while at the same time cause so much torment and pain

Knowing what you know about it, would you still willingly welcome it into your life?

Giving all of yourself unsure of the outcome

We all want so many things out of life

Love being one of the biggest

 

 

I Miss You

This will be hard to write

But I need to clear my mind

I miss you

It’s been eight months since you’ve passed and it still doesn’t seem real

I look over at the spot where you used to sit, and you’re not there

I can’t believe you’re gone

I miss you

I’m left with memories that will soon fade no matter how much I try my hardest to keep them etched in my brain

One thing’s for sure, the love you have for all of us will never fade

Not a day goes by where I don’t see your face or think of something you may have done or said

I love you, and I miss you, and I can’t wait till I see you again

I’m baffled a bit at how your passing affected me when I was old enough to understand and have feelings toward my other loved ones who went home

But it’s different, and I don’t mean no disrespect, because I love and miss then too

I think of you, and it hurts, and I know when they passed I thought of them also, and it hurt

I just wish you all could come back to me but have your health and strength

We miss you is all, and we will see you again

Lonely

The days go by as I sit inside a room

Nothing to keep me company but my thoughts

Unsure of what tomorrow will bring

If I will make it, fulfill my dreams, which are slowly slipping away

It’s all becoming a blur

I had one goal and then another, but somehow they merged until it became hard to untangle the mess I have before me

Clarity is just a breeze in the wind

I reach out to feel it moving around me

I know it’s not tangible, but let me have my moment

I’m lonely

No direction, no idea of where to begin, and if I did how to finish, how to breakthrough this tangled web of uncertainty

I’m lonely

Even with people around, I feel as if I am the only one in the room left with my thoughts

We’ve all felt this way at some point and time, but that doesn’t take away the fact that I am an individual

I go through my shit that has nothing to do with you, and you deal with your shit that has nothing to do with me, but somehow we’re connected by us both being lonely

Left with our thoughts, emotions, days of pain, depression, sadness, madness, and a few good days filled with sunshine and happy thoughts

Nothing throwing us off our game

But when that cloud comes, it enters the room making its presence known

It’s there to do a job

So now, I’m back to feeling lonely

Inside a room with my thoughts

Unsure of what tomorrow will bring

If I will achieve my goals, fulfill my dreams

Or will I succumb to the loneliness inside

The Demons You Keep at Bay

Nobody knows about the demons you keep at bay

Or maybe they do

Maybe you’ve told them

Or maybe they’ve known but have chosen to stay silent

These memories of the past have lingered on for far too long

Causing torment every time the thought crosses your mind

You try and make peace

Talk with God, but yet the demons still surface

Every now and again letting you know they’re still there

These are the demons you try hard to keep at bay

Releasing them will cause significant damage, but at least your burden will be set free

Let go and let God

If you’ve given it to Him then let His work be done

No longer carrying the burden of hurting loved ones

Release the skeletons in your closet

Give to the Almighty

He had you then, He has you now, and He’ll have you Forever

Sir

Memories forever etched in my brain

I tried my hardest to prepare, but nothing could prepare me for that final day

Never getting the chance to say goodbye or that I love you one last time

Time continues on and I’m left with memories

The pain gets less, but there are some times when I break

I wore your shirt today

Your smile so bright

Your eyes shining with light

I know you’re at peace

Together again with those you love…

Those memories that we shared will forever stay in my mind

I thank God for the time I had with you

The laughter we shared

I thank you for your gems of wisdom and your unconditional support and love

I miss you daily

Sincerely,

Sir