Lost II

I’m unraveling at the seams and I can’t seem to find my way back to the normalcy I once felt.

There was a time where I knew what I wanted out of life, and now all that seems lost.

Somewhere down the line, I stopped giving a fuck.

I removed all my hopes and dreams and fell deeper in despair, into the pain.

This became my new normal.

This became my comfort zone.

This is where I reside today.

A ball of confusion, unsure of who I am and my purpose.

It’s a dangerous place to be in.

I stare back at my reflection wondering who are you, and why are you here?

After you’ve traveled so far down, it’s hard to come back up.

Am I willing to take that journey to find me again?

So much of me is broken that I don’t even smile to hide the pain anymore.

I’m lost and that’s okay. I’ll find my way back someday, somehow.

My life will mean something again.

 

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Did I do or Say Something Wrong?

Another “no” to add to my endless job search. This time it’s from a writing business called Shortform. I’m still waiting to hear back from a job I applied for with the city of Chicago. Fingers and toes crossed as I try to stay as optimistic as only a person can. Faith, you have to have faith, Morgan. And I do, it’s just difficult sometimes to keep that glimmer of hope alive when every opportunity I seek is met with a no response or a general message of why this company has decided not to hire you for one reason or another.

But I keep going despite the odds stacked against me. I keep going because there’s some part of me that still holds out hope that one day I’ll receive a yes, and it will be the yes of a lifetime. The one I’ve dreamed of. Lately, I’ve been going with the flow. I used to have an end goal in sight, but not anymore. I’ve lost it somewhere in the constant pile of nos. Life is like that sometimes, and it isn’t about the constant rejection. Rather it’s how I respond to it. Okay, I’m lying. It is about rejection. All the “Thank you but…” or “We appreciate your interest…” has got me feeling did I do or say something wrong?

Every so often it hits me, and I get into my feelings. And if you haven’t figured out already, this is one of those times. Writing has always been my passion and always will. However, I’ve contemplated starting over several times in a different career, but I’m not sure where to begin. There’s also an expiration date when it comes to careers and the field one chooses. And I feel as though I’ve reached mine with writing. I just don’t know anymore. Life is short, and so I often think about what my life will be like once my support system is gone home to be with Christ.

I want to be able to successfully provide for myself without question. I don’t want to be mediocre/average. Do I continue receiving nos as long as I can say I tried? I have a makeshift vision board in my room to remind me of the goals I have set for myself. Instead of using pictures, I chose words. How fitting? It’s dated for 2018 until, and I have yet to see any progress made. Maybe there’s progress happening behind the scenes. Some of what I wrote didn’t happen, but I’m okay with that because it’s life, and God has the final say. After all, we are all His children.

I can’t say fully why this company or that organization didn’t accept me. What I can do is continue to push forward even if I have no idea where I am headed. God has ordained my steps and I must trust and have faith in that. So, did I do or say something wrong? Yes, because they didn’t hire me, but their loss is my gain and I will continue to apply myself until my last breath.

Auntie

I’ve cried quite a few times

When I think about you it doesn’t seem real, feel real

I can’t seem to grasp my mind around the fact that you’re gone

But I know you’re resting peacefully

Grandma, Malcolm and Uncle Buck are with you

Not to mention all of your other relatives who have welcomed you with open arms

But I’m sorry I have to be selfish

Because I miss and need you here

I need to hear you laugh, see you smile, argue with me and remind me that you are the adult and I am the child

Cheer me on, give me courage when I am weak and nervous…

A part of me will always feel empty

A part of my heart shattered when you made your transition at 1:04 in the morning

You were more than just an auntie to me. You were my friend

I lean heavily on God and Jesus more than I did before

I can openly admit that

My faith has always been in existence

I don’t doubt that there’s a heaven and a hell

I don’t doubt that when it’s my time I will see you and all my loved ones again

I will continue to make you proud

I will continue to be there for my mom, Auntie Bae-Bae, Nivea, Kenya, Tray, and Alia because that’s what you wanted

I needed to write this as a means of release

To feel the waves of emotions pulsating through me

To continue and understand that just as there is a beginning, there’s also an end

To write what you already know…

I love and miss you auntie and I will forever be your Sir ❤

Not A Day Goes By

Not a day goes by that I don’t miss your smile

Or the talks we had

Or your laugh

Not a day goes by where I don’t miss you sitting on that couch we’d watch TV and laugh or you’d watch your cowboy movies

I know you’re not supposed to question, but at first I did asking God why you? Why this way?

But we all have a purpose to serve and an expiration date

Some people never get to fulfill the purpose God has instilled in them

And I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt

I’m confused by the lack of emotion in me

I watch the sadness in my mother’s eyes and the pain written all over my cousin’s face

But then I remembered what I prayed that night ever since I found out what you were going through

God has continued to give me strength

HE has helped me to become the person I need to be in order to be there for my family

My tears are shed at the thought of you no longer being here and I miss you dearly, but I know you’ve gone to heaven where you’re resting and rejoicing peacefully

I know you know I love you that goes without saying, and I know I’ll see you again one day, but not a day goes by where I don’t think of your smiling face

Love,

Sir

Sad, Lonely and Confused

So many feelings rummaging through my mind, my heart, my soul

I’m lonely, sad and confused

Untangling these crazy thoughts inside of a mind filled with fear

I lost a loved one so dear

Close to me not like any other

My best friend

The other half of my heart ripped a part

Each piece given to a loved one I’ve lost

Trying to fill this gaping hole with things and people who don’t matter

Sad, lonely and confused

Going through the motions and I’m not sure if I’ll make it out on the other side

This isn’t Goodbye

This isn’t goodbye or see you later

Rather a reintroduction

You were there for many of my firsts

Long talks just shooting the breeze

You said you’d never leave me you’d always be here

So this isn’t goodbye

I told you to fight and damn it you better fight

Prayer warriors surround you lifting you up and filling you with God’s grace, mercy and love

You are a child of the Most High God

And although our day must come where we rest and go home to be with our heavenly Father

I strongly want to believe through my faith and trust in God that this isn’t your time

This isn’t goodbye

Just a minor setback for ever so glorious testimony

I love you and I know you will be back with us again

2019

You’re here

I’m thankful to God that I am able to see you

But if I’m being honest, it hasn’t been quite eventful

In fact, it’s started off kind of rocky

But through it all, I must remain thankful

For the good, bad, and unforeseen

Because each provides a lesson that must be learned

So I welcome the opportunities, the bad breaks/misfortunes, and the endless memories that will be made

Hello, 2019.

I welcome the endless possibilities you’ll bring

 

God Hear My Prayer

Things happen in our lives that we have no control over

I’m numb to the fact of what’s happening in my life and I’m not willing to accept the current circumstances

But I must accept the current circumstances

My faith is tested every day, but I know in my heart that we will be okay

I know in my heart that prayer and time heals things

But I still feel somber as I try to remain positive despite the negative thoughts that creep into my mind

A full recovery is on the horizon

Better days are ahead

God hear my prayer because the thoughts won’t turn themselves off

I feel as if I am drowning

Trying to keep my head above water

My heart hurts

I feel this pain, this uncertainty

But I know everything will be okay

I believe everything will be okay

God will make a way

He hears my prayers

And you both will see happier days

Dream Chaser

You went and followed your dreams

And here I am stuck

But it isn’t your fault

I can’t blame you

We both have different lives we live

Yours seem less confined

Mine has me feeling like I’m locked up in chains

But, you’re the dream chaser

I often wonder where would I be if this chair wasn’t holding me

Holding me hostage

Unable to excel at what my heart desires

Honestly though, I’ve got to laugh at that one cause I don’t know what my purpose is anymore

There isn’t that fire, that spark that has me jumping for joy

Just the taste of it and I’m hooked

But then I think about how maybe there’s a reason for this chair and a reason why things are the way they are in my life

Count your blessings you whinny asshole

It could be worse

And so I sit and daydream about that day when my dreams will manifest

You can’t let fear be your downfall

You clearly didn’t

But some things have limitations, and it’s clear what mine are

Dream chaser

At least one of us can see our name in lights, right?

Take Me Home (Poem)

Four-cornered room with four-cornered walls

A head full of dreams

Eyes gazed at the stars not knowing where I’m headed, not understanding how far I’ve come

God is the only consistent thing

Lord, please take me home

Home where there’s peace all around no worries holding me down

Lord, please fix this pain inside

Lord, please take my hand

As I sit and wonder what’s next for my life I watch as the sun transcends down

The night sky appears as tears escape my eyes

Lord, please take me home where I can be me, I can be free