Simplicity (Quarantine Edition)

It’s that feeling you get
The feeling of butterflies dancing around in your stomach
That feeling of your heart beating so fast from pure joy that it’s bound to leap right out of your chest
It’s the simplicity of it all
That smile you get from someone walking down the street – a simple hello is all you need
Acknowledgment of your existence
It’s the simple things

The things that bring you joy, pure joy

You don’t need anything fancy or over the top
It’s the breeze from the wind as it gently caresses your skin
The colors in the sky – a sign that day has had its time and now night has arrived
It’s the love you feel by just being
It’s the love you feel by giving
It’s the love you feel by being acknowledged and acknowledging
It’s the simple things
It’s different for everyone around the world
Grateful once you’ve had the chance to experience it
Smiling at the thought of it
A utopia of sorts
It’s europhic
Moments in time make this feeling possible
Just stopping to take a second and appreciate what and who is around you
It’s that simple

Conversations With Jesus (Quarantine Edition)

I woke up feeling like WTF.
Planted my feet on the floor and said, let’s get this day started
Anxiety is a bitch, and lately, I’ve been feeling mine announce its unwanted presence
I haven’t been clinically diagnosed as having anxiety, but you know how some of us are. We’ll diagnose ourselves as having something before a doctor can
I spend my time conversing with Jesus before doing anything else, and usually, that helps, but lately, I’ve been all over the place
Emotions are up and down
Physically in pain thanks to the various ailments going on with my body
It amazes me that somedays I still smile
Negative thoughts creep into my mind every once and a while
And like a pesky fly, I have to swat them out, refusing for them to receive space in my head for free
Man, my conversations with Jesus, God, and my angels be one for the books
They’re probably saying, “look at my poor child. We have to help her.”
Somehow I manage to march on, and I know that that’s only by God’s grace, mercy, and love
I had a conversation with an acquaintance yesterday, and we spoke about Corna and the current state of the world
I wonder the outcome of everything, but only God has that answer
So many people have lost their lives or people they’ve known to this sickening disease
And so many people still refuse to adhere to the guidelines and regulations that would work towards keeping us safe
Yeah, Jesus and I talk about a lot of things, and some of it is what you have before you
I wonder if years later, when I’ve gone home, will someone find my endless ramblings and poetry
And endless invite into my mind
What will they think, feel, say?
Would they think I’m dope, sad, angry all the time, confused, or straight bat shit crazy?
Who knows?
I’m sure they’ll have their unique conversations with Jesus
Because honestly, if you believe in him, then we all do

Am I Worthy? (Quarantine Edition)

Some days are easier than others.
I’ve got to stop and take a breath.
Remember what you’re thankful for
But when you’re fighting issues, it’s easier to remain in that space.
A space of hopelessness wondering if you’re worthy
Am I worthy of love?
Am I worthy of happiness?
Am I worthy of success?
Am I worthy of having my relationship with God and Jesus?
A lot of questions
A lot of thoughts
I’ll probably regret posting this later, and when I think about it, I’ve regretted a lot of things.
But writing is my safe space.
It’s a way for me to get my thoughts out of my mind.
Even with this release, I still feel the same way sometimes.
Am I worthy?
Are you worthy?
What or who determines your worthiness?
Life is full of ups and downs, highs, and lows.
Am I worthy?
Are you worthy?
Sometimes I wonder if having my relationship with Jesus is as strong as I believe it is
Because if it’s this unbreakable, bond then why do I feel lonely or sad or angry?
It begs the question, am I worthy?
Should I be vulnerable enough to express how I feel or keep my feelings locked inside?
Emotions on an all-time high
Thinking back on every poem I’ve ever written
Willing myself to be open, raw, honest
Letting people I don’t know read my thoughts.
See me or at least a part of me.
Vulnerability is a scary thing.
Opening yourself up for others to see
Give an opinion
The answer to the question of am I worthy isn’t a simple one, but it’s one that I have to answer for myself.
So, am I worthy?
YES
But saying it and believing it are two different things.

Summer Days, Winter Nights (Quarantine Edition)

Sometimes I sit in a room alone with just my thoughts

How many of you truly know who you are?

How many of you are just existing but not living?

How many of you wonder if we’ll ever have some normalcy again?

But what is considered normal?

Thoughts rummaging through my mind as if I’m having an actual conversation with someone

On nights like this where winter’s creeping in, and we’ve officially said goodbye to summer, I wonder

Who I truly am?

What does my future hold?

Will I succeed at accomplishing at least half of my goals?

How will I manage once everyone I love has passed away?

How can I control my anger?

Will I find love?

Winter days and summer nights got me all in my feelings

Feelings of uncertainty

The feeling of having confidence

Then sadness knocks at my door and pushes its way in

Followed by anger

And let’s not forget depression

Yea, my days and nights are filled with constant thoughts

And I know I’m not the only one

They may not be the same, but everyone has them

Days where they’re confident and days where they want to crawl into a ball and shut the world out

Days when you’re crying for no reason and days where everything shuts off, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to get things back up and running again

Yea, winter days and summer nights can have you like that

The only thing I know that’s consistent is God

He’s there when I feel low, happy, unsure, all of it

He’s my guiding force

He’s my anchor in a world filled with so much that it can sometimes swallow you whole

Winter days and summer nights

Changing of the seasons

New beginnings

Letting go of your past

Hello Depression, My Name Is

You hold me close, never to let go
I push, you pull
A constant back and forth
Relinquish me from this hell
I’ve done my time
You’ve found joy in my pain
You relish in my tears
I am your familiar, and you are mine
A comfort zone of sorts
Something I am used to no matter how hard I try and breakaway
You keep pulling me back in
Hello Depression, my name is
I’m tired of the fighting
I’m tired of the wondering
I’m tired of the questions
I’m tired of being bonded in shackles
I’ve fought so much that I’m drained
I’ve given in countless times
What is happiness?
How does it feel?
What does it mean to be complete?
Hello Depression, my name is Morgan
And I’m tired
Please release me
Please give me my freedom

Honesty Hour

I feel like a prisoner in my own home.

Confined to a room

My family and I recently moved, and I was under the impression and optimistic about this particular house being accessible for my needs

I was wrong

I do understand, however, that no house will ever be completely accessible

What hurts the most for me is it’s a struggle to get up and down my own steps

I just don’t feel like doing that every day

Having to ask my mother who has aliments herself to help me up and down the stairs every time I want to go downstairs or come back up to my bedroom

At this moment, having Cerebral Palsy sucks

It’s like I got one good thing and then a bunch of other shitty options to try and balance everything out, and it doesn’t

I have been sharing a room with someone my whole life, and now I finally get a room to myself, but now I can’t be as independent as I’d like because I can’t travel freely throughout my house, nor am I able to shower without receiving assistance now, whereas, before I could do it on my own

The tub is lower, which makes it difficult for me to transfer in and out, and there’s too much space between the tub, the equipment I use to shower, and the sink. I need something to hold onto to feel secure to transfer from my chair into the shower, and unfortunately, I don’t have that

I’m over crying and wondering why me? Now I am angry and fed up with the inaccessibility I have to endure when all I want to do is live my life accordingly, and I feel as if I can’t

I went back and forth as to whether I should write and post this knowing other people will possibly read and see this, but then I thought, why the fuck not?

Writing for me and releasing my feelings is like an artist releasing their feelings in a song, or a painter painting their emotions on a canvas.

I’m releasing how I feel at this very moment just to get it out of my head. Will it make me feel better? Probably not. But it’s out. I’ve had several conversations with Jesus, God, and my angels, and I know faith is very vital in this situation, but I am human, and my flesh is weak.

Weak to the point where I am using this platform, my blog, to vent what is inside my mind, my heart. I’ve started using this saying, “Such is life” a whole lot because I feel that when things are beyond my control, “such is life.”

I try my hardest to look at the positives of this situation. I have my family, my health, and my strength. We have a roof over our heads, food to eat, so many people don’t have that, so you have to be thankful, and then I ask myself at what point does what you are feeling become a whine-fest or are you valid in how you feel and your concerns?

I don’t know what to think or feel anymore. I’m sick and tired of this inaccessibility bullshit. I just want to live my life as normal as possible. I’m deserved that, right?

I don’t know. Such is life. Rant over.

Restless

My spirit is restless

My soul is too

I’m anxiously awaiting for something to happen that hasn’t come

Most days I’m on pins and needles

I’m in my head trying to quiet the restless thoughts that try their hardest to make their voice heard

I wonder if I’m doing this or that right as far as my life’s concerned

I cry when I think of you

You’re physically gone

But with me in spirit

I can’t seem to quiet this restless mind of mine

Thoughts are constantly coming

I sit and observe

Hoping for a better outcome for myself,

but I have to be the one to put in the effort

I’m tired of being tired

I’m tired of trying to quiet my mind

I’m tired of being down in the dumps

Unable to bring myself out of the slumps

Seeing others around me

Feeling as if they’re succeeding

While I’ve so easily succumbed to defeat

The grass may seem greener on the other side

But is it the greenest that it can be?

Looks are deceiving, but all I know is what I feel

And right now, I feel alone and unsure, and I’m just anxiously awaiting for the other shoe to drop

 

You

You know my secrets and I know yours

When I was at my lowest, you were there

Hand out, a reassuring look, and a shoulder to lean on

I can’t say thank you enough

Your smile

Your touch

Your caring nature

Not a day goes by where I’m not told “I’m beautiful”

Or find a sweet note placed gently on my pillow

You came along and mended these broken pieces of my heart with love and care…

One day, the time will come. The moment we’ve both prayed for.

We’ll meet. An instant connection as if we’ve known each other forever

You’ll see me

And I’ll see you

Just an automatic connection between two souls forever bonded by the attraction and love we have for one another without uttering a word

Echoes

I can still hear your voice as if you’re right here talking with me

Memories forever etched into my mind

I can still hear you saying “Oh my God” as I called out “Auntie here I come” as I made my way down the steps

I still remember the arguments

The times I made you feel less than because you spelled a word wrong or used it incorrectly in a sentence

Or the times you cried because your children did something you didn’t approve of

Or the times you and my mother would argue

All these memories both good and bad

Like the time you and I would dance in our chairs just because

Or the times you’d say, “Morgan, you have to use your head for more than a hat rack.”

Then there was the time when you bought me Michelle Obama’s book Becoming for Christmas

And the time as a little girl when you grabbed my hands, held me up, and let me dance my heart out wearing my pink polka-dot skirt as you cheerfully said, “Drop it to the floor.”

All these memories both good and bad etched into my mind

I want to say I’m sorry for all the hurtful things I did to you

I want to tell you how we all miss and love you, especially my mom

We know you are with our heavenly father

We know that you feel no more pain

We know that your love for us runs deep

And we know that when it’s our time we’ll all be reunited again

So until that time, I’ll keep with me all the memories…

I can still hear your voice as if you’re right here talking with me

You’d say, “Sir, everything’s going to be alright.”

 

 

What Does it Mean to Love?

We want so many things out of life

Some of us achieve it, and some of us don’t

How bad do you want it?

Do you even know what you want?

Some of us spend our entire life searching

Sometimes we don’t even know what we’re searching for

Walking aimlessly (or in my case, rolling)

What does it mean to love?

Wanting something so much that it hurts

What does it mean to love?

To accept it into your life, you’d first have to love yourself, right?

How can you love another when you don’t even like or love yourself sometimes?

What does it mean to love?

As the days wind down, you’re wondering, hoping that you find what it is you’re seeking

That undeniable feeling of someone holding you close

Cherishing every part of you good and bad

The light and the dark

The sun and the moon

The ying to your yang

The butterflies every time they enter into the room

What does it mean to love?

Will, you ever know?

Have that feeling?

“You have to put yourself out there,” they say

Could it be that you just like the idea of a relationship?

Life and its many winding roads to discovery or self destruct

Choices

Life is full of choices

So, what does it really mean to love?

Love yourself

Someone else

There are numerous answers to this tricky question

The simple answer is it means something different for each one of us

We’ve all experienced something different when we’ve dealt with this four-letter word

There’s been heartache, there’s been joy, there’s been confusion and even certainty

Love is like that

It can grip the depths of your soul and cause so much pleasure while at the same time cause so much torment and pain

Knowing what you know about it, would you still willingly welcome it into your life?

Giving all of yourself unsure of the outcome

We all want so many things out of life

Love being one of the biggest