Bruised Heart

Death was an afterthought.

It became real when you passed.

And that’s not taking anything away from the ones who went before you because I love them too.

But your passing hit me different.

You’ve been on my mind lately.

I miss you so much it hurts.

I woke up this morning with a bruised heart.

And the only way to release this pain is to write.

But I want to scream.

Scream because it isn’t fair.

Scream and ask God why?

We’ve all got an expiration date, so I shouldn’t feel too bad right?

One day my time will come.

But that doesn’t stop my heart from hurting.

Our foundation changed, and will continue to change.

Because we’ve all got to face the inevitable someday.

I wish we didn’t.

My aching heart is in a sea of many.

So many cries heard around the world.

So many questions.

So many dealing with the fact that their loved one(s) isn’t here.

Death used to be an afterthought for me.

And then you passed.

Changed my world, our world.

The aches and pains became real.

The thoughts of losing another loved one scream louder and louder in my mind announcing their presence.

Why does it hurt so much when I don’t want to feel?

Why does something so painful have to be real?

We ask of many things from this world.

God’s world.

I just want them all back and not have to feel the pain and hurt of losing them again.

One day will be reunited, and the pain, hurt, and tears will be an afterthought.

The laughter, love, and joy will emerge like it never left.

But for now, your memory must be kept alive.

Their memories must be kept alive in the stories we share, the photos we look back on, and the smiles we have at the thought of being fortunate enough to have you grace us with your presence.

I love you. We love you. All of you.

Yeah, my heart may hurt for a little while, but joy will come in the morning, and I will be okay.

Because it may sound morbid, but the truth isn’t always pretty.

You can’t escape the inevitable.

And we’ve all got an expiration date.

Late-Night Therapy Sessions Talk Nice to me (Part 2)

A 17-year-old mind in a 35-year-old body is dangerous

She missed out on the rebellious things as a teen, and now she’s grown trying to make up for something she didn’t miss in the first place

She’s working toward finding herself

But is she really putting in the work it takes to get there?

Crazy thoughts keep her up at night. At least that’s what she calls them

Sleep is a thing of the past

Eyes wide awake as she stares into the darkness, fearful of what she might see or hear

Close your eyes and try not to think about it

All the what-ifs creep in

Making sure to mingle with fear and bring self-doubt if it’s not too busy getting trampled by depression. Oh, and save a seat for anxiety

Late-night therapy sessions with her therapist

Talk to me nice. Tell me all the shit I want to hear

None of the bad stuff it’ll ruin my mood

Cause the truth’s too late for this parade

She’s taken a seat between despair and whatchamucallit

And she hopes this doesn’t cost a ton

To bear your soul as someone pretends to listen and take notes

Late-night therapy sessions talk to me nice

Next week same time? And please don’t up the price

I wasn’t sure about this the first time, so if I see a change in my bill, I’ll know you’re like the rest

You pretend to care about my feelings, only to leave me destitute and alone

To go crawling back to my company of depression, anxiety, and fear, welcoming me with open arms as if I never left

Late Night Therapy Sessions Talk to me Nice

Is it wrong that I still think of him even though he’s with someone else?

I mean, we weren’t even together like that. We hooked up a few times, but does hooking up a few times mean we’re in a relationship?

Am I wrong for wanting to find love and find my person before I leave this earth?

So many people are dying, and I know it’s a natural thing, and I keep thinking, how will I stay afloat if she leaves me?

You’re not supposed to live in this world alone, but so many people do. How do they manage?

GOD.

These are some of the constant thoughts rummaging through my mind that happen to show up at any given time. A Late Night Therapy Session is what I’m having.

When I can’t express my thoughts to my loved ones, this keyboard becomes my glasses-wearing pen-writing therapist.

There are days when I love myself and days when I don’t. Do you have days like that? Wait, on second thought, don’t answer that. Get back to the task at hand.

Kristie Alley’s death has me feeling some time of way, and the green/white ranger from Power Rangers recently passed, not to mention Aaron Carter. I want to go to heaven when my time comes.

So many fucking thoughts. Am I capable of love? Will someone be willing to be my life partner? How will I feel once everyone’s gone? Wait, what if I go first? Then how will they feel?

Am I focused on/worried about the wrong things?

Can’t think too far into the future. My brain needs to calm down. Late Night Therapy Sessions.

God and Jesus, I know you have so many people that look to you and pray to you on a daily. I am one of many asking you to hear my thoughts, take my prayers, and let the will of my life be in your hands.

I Can’t Love You (Poem)

I can’t love you until I learn how and what it means to love myself
I can’t love you until I’ve let go of past mistakes and hurt that I’ve carried with me in what feels like forever
I can’t love you even though I know you love me
It’s the look in your eyes, the way you hold my hands in yours, the way you bring me close, holding on to a body so broken and a mind riddled with pain.
It’s the way you accept my flaws
You make me laugh
You help me to see that there’s more to life than just living in my comfort zone.
Misery loves company
So is that why you love me?
Because you come with your own set of baggage that we each, in our ways, help one another unpack?
Tell me why you love me
Be truthful
I can take the shots of honesty
At times I see the hurt in your eyes when you look at me
You’re trying so hard to decipher something that I don’t think you can
I would love to reciprocate the love you have for me
I push, you pull
But I can’t love you no matter how many times I’ve tried
And yet, yet you continue to stay willing to fight for us, for a dream you’ve concocted in your mind I’m not sure will come true
I can’t love you, but somehow I do
From the depths of my soul, my heart aches for you
I’m trying, but it’s not working
How much do you have left in you?
How many rounds are you willing to go?
Baby, I’m tired.
Will you still be here while I work on myself and try to mend what’s broken?
While you wait for me, will you work on things within yourself that you need to?
And if we’re meant to rejoin as one once we’ve done the work, will it all be worth it in the end?
Because honesty is the best policy, and right now, I’m sitting here looking in those beautiful brown eyes of yours, pouring what’s left of me out to you, saying I can’t love you until I learn to love myself.

Dating 101 (Poem)

Do I shut down and go back into my cocoon?
My safe space where I don’t have to deal with uncomfortable nonsense.
Or is it only nonsense because I won’t move from out of my comfort zone?
Why do I consistently do this to myself?
What you want is unattainable if you’re unwilling to try.
Why do I let my emotions control me over something so minor, so trivial?
Things that I want out of life.
Am I standing in my way?
Preventing myself from the things that I want.
My mind is going a mile a minute thinking of everything that makes me who I am.
And from that, I wonder who would want to get to know me.
And then it’s fuck it. I can eat at the table alone.
But do I want to?
I wish I could turn my feelings off.
Time to put my armor on and return to my protective shell like that of a crab.
I’m just looking for someone interested and willing to meet me halfway.
But this isn’t something I’m not used to.
I’ve been down this road before.
I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.
My mouth speaks the words, but my mind questions if what my mouth is saying is accurate.
So much goes into dating.
I’m just one person in a sea full of people trying to gain their balance and find their way to a meaningful connection filled with butterflies and nerves.

Muted Voices

I am nothing to be desired.
You are nothing to be desired.
We come together as one under the notion that we can provide each other instant gratification under the pretense that no one else wants us and no one ever will.
We are each other’s company during a time of self-pity, loneliness, regret, confusion, and deception.
It has crept into our brains hell bent on destroying us from the inside, manifesting itself on the outside as we partake in activities trying to fulfill each other’s needs.
But how can one truly satisfy another?
How can we know the true depths of our souls as we feel alone and abandoned?
How can we know how to provide comfort to that very thing that keeps us breathing here on this earth? Our hearts.
Muted voices
We’ve been broken down by this world that’s supposed to be our home.
That’s supposed to bring us peace.
Only to be ostracized by what we thought we needed, we thought needed and wanted us.
We’re outcasts bearing our souls for this world to see.
Joined together by our fight, our need to be heard
Muted voices
We don’t feel like we belong
Hell, we wouldn’t have been brought together had they not forced us out here alone with their beliefs and opinions that neither of us agreed to partake in.
They silenced us, or at least they thought they did.
I refuse to stay submerged under the pretense that what this world has done, correction what the people have done is for the greater good of this world.
What do they know?
They’re figuring it out as they go.
Just like you and I had to.
But because we disagreed, they banished us.
Muted our voices so we couldn’t be heard.
Well, I refuse to stay silent any longer.
I refuse to be held down.
Today, I unlock the chains that have kept me weighed down.
I break the cycle.
A cycle that for so long has dictated my entire life.
I don’t want that anymore.
Not for you or me.
My once muted voice is now free to speak out.
And I have a lot to say.
Muted no more.

Sabotage (Semi-Quarantine Edition)

Have you ever chosen not to do something out of fear?

No matter how good you thought you might be, your fear, anxiety, depression, all the things that hold you captive prevented you from following through.

You screwed yourself time and time again.

And each time, the personal torment, the personal anger, and frustration you feel builds

You’ve lost your way, unsure of how to get back to the person you once knew.

You’ve grown accustomed to the way things are now.

Your new normal.

Is it too late to turn back?

Find your footing.

Find your ground.

Take that leap of faith reemerging as the person you once knew, but with a slighter edge.

A willingness to go after what you want no longer standing in your own way.

No longer sabotaging yourself because, as they say, misery loves company

So, can it be done?

Is it even possible?

Can you put down your fears, anxiety, depression, and all of the things that, while may provide you with this weird sense of comfort, also causes you so much pain, and step out on faith knowing that even though you may have screwed up once again, God forgives, God provides, and God loves, and for that, you can continue to fight another day

Purpose (Semi-Quarantine Edition)

These aches and pains have to be for something
There has to be a reason for the ever-ending nos
The constant rejection
The self-doubt
Wondering if I’ll ever find my footing in a world filled with so much and so little
Wondering what’s my purpose
Why was I brought into this world? My presence on this earth
Am I here to inspire? Am I here to help?
So many questions
I know I’m not the only one
At some point in your life, you’ve had the same thought as I’m bringing to the surface
What’s my purpose?
My life, your life has to mean something not just to our family and friends
The reason for being, living, doing, and seeing things
Purpose
It’s what drives you, helps you to understand what you are to do and why
But if you are unsure, then what do you do?
How do you find it?
Writing is a release
Innermost thoughts now become public divulgence
Is my purpose to write? Do something else?
Not sure.
Maybe that’s the point of my journey finding what my purpose is
But how old is too old for you to try and find yourself before it’s too late?

Is it Okay to Not be Okay?

I woke up, and I’m thankful

Some days are difficult than others and today happens to be one of those days

I never want God to feel as if I’m not appreciative or that I don’t believe he’s here for me because I know that he is

Am I wrong for feeling how I feel?

There’s so much unfortunate things happening in this world

I should be grateful because my situation could be different

The Bible says bring all of your worries and troubles to God

And I do, but sometimes writing helps to release feelings I can’t verbally explain

Am I wrong for writing my feelings down even if it’s in this capacity for others to see, to read?

Everything is not meant to be shared with everyone

But sometimes it helps to let it out

Telling the right people of course

Is it okay to not be okay?

Is it okay to be in your feelings?

Unable to express how you feel because you aren’t sure what’s quite wrong, but you know something’s wrong

Maybe it’s an off day

Not sure

Don’t quite understand it

Just going with the flow as I’ve done so many times before

Life is an interesting journey

Full of ebbs and flows

Full of choices

Moments filled with joy

Filled with sadness

Filled with uncertainity

Is it Okay to Not be Okay?

I suppose

And today, just isn’t my day

A World Apart

I will never be equal to a world that’s filled with able-bodied individuals
That’s my reality, and sometimes I’m okay with that, and sometimes I’m not
As a disabled African American woman, I see the world differently
I encounter things differently
My struggles
My pain
The inaccessible world I live in
We’ve come a long way thanks to the ADA (American With Disabilities Act)
But I feel as if we still have a long way to go
So much to overcome
And if you’re not affected by the inaccessibility this world has put so many disabled people in, then it’s out of sight and out of mind for you
But I have to live with my shortcomings every day
Everyone has them, but some are more taxing than most
I’m a world apart from everyone else
I’ve never wanted to fit in
I wanted the freedom to come and do as I please
And just because someone with a disability can do this or that doesn’t mean we all can
PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES ARE NOT THE SAME
We all have our own struggles to deal with
A world apart
My view is different than yours and yours different from mine