2019

You’re here

I’m thankful to God that I am able to see you

But if I’m being honest, it hasn’t been quite eventful

In fact, it’s started off kind of rocky

But through it all, I must remain thankful

For the good, bad, and unforeseen

Because each provides a lesson that must be learned

So I welcome the opportunities, the bad breaks/misfortunes, and the endless memories that will be made

Hello, 2019.

I welcome the endless possibilities you’ll bring

 

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God Hear My Prayer

Things happen in our lives that we have no control over

I’m numb to the fact of what’s happening in my life and I’m not willing to accept the current circumstances

But I must accept the current circumstances

My faith is tested every day, but I know in my heart that we will be okay

I know in my heart that prayer and time heals things

But I still feel somber as I try to remain positive despite the negative thoughts that creep into my mind

A full recovery is on the horizon

Better days are ahead

God hear my prayer because the thoughts won’t turn themselves off

I feel as if I am drowning

Trying to keep my head above water

My heart hurts

I feel this pain, this uncertainty

But I know everything will be okay

I believe everything will be okay

God will make a way

He hears my prayers

And you both will see happier days

Dream Chaser

You went and followed your dreams

And here I am stuck

But it isn’t your fault

I can’t blame you

We both have different lives we live

Yours seem less confined

Mine has me feeling like I’m locked up in chains

But, you’re the dream chaser

I often wonder where would I be if this chair wasn’t holding me

Holding me hostage

Unable to excel at what my heart desires

Honestly though, I’ve got to laugh at that one cause I don’t know what my purpose is anymore

There isn’t that fire, that spark that has me jumping for joy

Just the taste of it and I’m hooked

But then I think about how maybe there’s a reason for this chair and a reason why things are the way they are in my life

Count your blessings you whinny asshole

It could be worse

And so I sit and daydream about that day when my dreams will manifest

You can’t let fear be your downfall

You clearly didn’t

But some things have limitations, and it’s clear what mine are

Dream chaser

At least one of us can see our name in lights, right?

Wild Heart

Barefoot in the sand with images of you running through my mind

I move closer towards the water

So peaceful, so blue, crystal clear

I smile at the thought of what used to be

No longer in each other’s lives

I appreciate the memories though

The sand crumbles between my toes as I watch the sunset

We used to do this together

But here I stand alone left with the memory of me and you

Your hand touches my face as I feel the wind breeze through my hair

I can get lost in this moment forever

Say you’ll never leave

Please don’t go

But as the waves wash against the shore I am reminded that you’re leaving

Sand between my toes as I look out into a sea of beauty

The night sky is fast approaching and while I would love to stay and reminisce I must be going

There are new memories to be made

New beaches for me to explore

New opportunities for me to run barefoot

Freely taking in everything around me

Wild heart

 

Lost

Somehow I found myself standing at the edge of no return

Feeling as if I am all alone in this

A fight with no clear winner

A beginning with no end

Constantly running, reaching for something but it’s unclear as to what you’re reaching for

A smile plastered on a face that hides a deep sadness, a yearning for things to be different

Lost

Unsure where to go and how you’re going to get there

Lost

Unable to find your way amongst the sea of people who try and help you

Lost

As you stand at the edge of that cliff

Should you jump and take a chance or back away for fear of what might await you?

Smiling Through the Tears

Some days it’s hard to smile through the constant tears that invade my life, but I try.

A painted on grin from ear to ear masks a past filled with pain and uncertainty, which has grown as time has continued on.

Life. This interesting thing we are discovering filled with ups, downs, twists, turns, love, and heartache.

Learning to smile through the tears takes skill not many can master.

Not many will be faced with depression, sadness, anger, confusion, and so much more because of it.

I choose to smile, but there’s this lingering thought in my head questioning why?

You’re comfortable in the darkness, in the shadows, below those that shine brightly while you claw your way trying to get to where they are because you don’t recognize your full potential.

You’re not beneath anyone. In fact, you’re above.

Creating your own lane, creating a path all your own.

But sometimes you feel unworthy as if you don’t belong.

An outcry for help goes unheard because no one truly sees you for who you are and what you can become.

Greatness.

Indifference

I love you, but our circumstances aren’t so great

I wish you would change but only you can want that for yourself

Only you can see that there is something wrong with this dynamic

I don’t want to say you’re toxic because I love and care for you too much, but my heart aches each and every time you walk through the door

My heart aches each and every time you walk out the door

Back and forth. It’s like a tug-of-war with no winner

Just aches and pains as I watch sacrifices being made even if it means jeopardizing the peace that is here when you’re gone

But these are just my thoughts

The good should out way the bad

I love you, but I can’t sacrifice my peace for  your enjoyment

Disdain

I used to look up to you

But now all I feel is anger

Hurt

How could you?

Why would you?

I loved you

But that has faded, because when I look into your eyes all I feel is disgust

We used to be so close, but you chose who you wanted

No explaining on my part because it was clear where you stood

There’s no coming back from this

All I feel is disdain now that you’ve chosen that lousy, worthless, son of a bitch

Bottled up Emotions

When a smile can hide a thousand fears

When those fears can consume every ounce of you

When the tears come instantly

When all you pray for is peace and happiness

When the days and nights seem long, and the only thing you want is a way out

So I write

Write to release my pain

Write to release the feelings I have

Consumed by pain

Feelings hurt

Searching for a release

A soul once at peace has now been disturbed

A heart so full has now been broken

Cerebral palsy

Definition. Cerebral palsy-a form of paralysis believed to be caused by a prenatal brain defect or by brain injury during birth, most marked in certain motor areas and characterized by difficulty in control of the voluntary muscles.

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Scraped up knees and a bruised ego

 

I fell again

One time too many

I’m numb

But you see, by now I’m used to this

Use to asking for help for things I can’t get, places I can’t go

Is this what adulthood is supposed to be for me?

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like

No messed up gait, legs straight, and no dependency on a wheelchair

But then there’s my faith, and in that, God makes no mistakes

I say it over and over till I believe it, till it’s embedded in my brain

I know it’s true, but man is it hard

Learning to live with something you can’t give back

Learning to live with something only few understand

I feel trapped at times, and other times I’m okay

I just try to take it day by day

I know I’m blessed beyond measure, that my purpose is far greater than my struggles

But it’s my story nonetheless

It’s my journey

And this is my life living with Cerebral palsy