Lost II

I’m unraveling at the seams and I can’t seem to find my way back to the normalcy I once felt.

There was a time where I knew what I wanted out of life, and now all that seems lost.

Somewhere down the line, I stopped giving a fuck.

I removed all my hopes and dreams and fell deeper in despair, into the pain.

This became my new normal.

This became my comfort zone.

This is where I reside today.

A ball of confusion, unsure of who I am and my purpose.

It’s a dangerous place to be in.

I stare back at my reflection wondering who are you, and why are you here?

After you’ve traveled so far down, it’s hard to come back up.

Am I willing to take that journey to find me again?

So much of me is broken that I don’t even smile to hide the pain anymore.

I’m lost and that’s okay. I’ll find my way back someday, somehow.

My life will mean something again.

 

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Not A Day Goes By

Not a day goes by that I don’t miss your smile

Or the talks we had

Or your laugh

Not a day goes by where I don’t miss you sitting on that couch we’d watch TV and laugh or you’d watch your cowboy movies

I know you’re not supposed to question, but at first I did asking God why you? Why this way?

But we all have a purpose to serve and an expiration date

Some people never get to fulfill the purpose God has instilled in them

And I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt

I’m confused by the lack of emotion in me

I watch the sadness in my mother’s eyes and the pain written all over my cousin’s face

But then I remembered what I prayed that night ever since I found out what you were going through

God has continued to give me strength

HE has helped me to become the person I need to be in order to be there for my family

My tears are shed at the thought of you no longer being here and I miss you dearly, but I know you’ve gone to heaven where you’re resting and rejoicing peacefully

I know you know I love you that goes without saying, and I know I’ll see you again one day, but not a day goes by where I don’t think of your smiling face

Love,

Sir

Sad, Lonely and Confused

So many feelings rummaging through my mind, my heart, my soul

I’m lonely, sad and confused

Untangling these crazy thoughts inside of a mind filled with fear

I lost a loved one so dear

Close to me not like any other

My best friend

The other half of my heart ripped a part

Each piece given to a loved one I’ve lost

Trying to fill this gaping hole with things and people who don’t matter

Sad, lonely and confused

Going through the motions and I’m not sure if I’ll make it out on the other side

2019

You’re here

I’m thankful to God that I am able to see you

But if I’m being honest, it hasn’t been quite eventful

In fact, it’s started off kind of rocky

But through it all, I must remain thankful

For the good, bad, and unforeseen

Because each provides a lesson that must be learned

So I welcome the opportunities, the bad breaks/misfortunes, and the endless memories that will be made

Hello, 2019.

I welcome the endless possibilities you’ll bring

 

God Hear My Prayer

Things happen in our lives that we have no control over

I’m numb to the fact of what’s happening in my life and I’m not willing to accept the current circumstances

But I must accept the current circumstances

My faith is tested every day, but I know in my heart that we will be okay

I know in my heart that prayer and time heals things

But I still feel somber as I try to remain positive despite the negative thoughts that creep into my mind

A full recovery is on the horizon

Better days are ahead

God hear my prayer because the thoughts won’t turn themselves off

I feel as if I am drowning

Trying to keep my head above water

My heart hurts

I feel this pain, this uncertainty

But I know everything will be okay

I believe everything will be okay

God will make a way

He hears my prayers

And you both will see happier days

Dream Chaser

You went and followed your dreams

And here I am stuck

But it isn’t your fault

I can’t blame you

We both have different lives we live

Yours seem less confined

Mine has me feeling like I’m locked up in chains

But, you’re the dream chaser

I often wonder where would I be if this chair wasn’t holding me

Holding me hostage

Unable to excel at what my heart desires

Honestly though, I’ve got to laugh at that one cause I don’t know what my purpose is anymore

There isn’t that fire, that spark that has me jumping for joy

Just the taste of it and I’m hooked

But then I think about how maybe there’s a reason for this chair and a reason why things are the way they are in my life

Count your blessings you whinny asshole

It could be worse

And so I sit and daydream about that day when my dreams will manifest

You can’t let fear be your downfall

You clearly didn’t

But some things have limitations, and it’s clear what mine are

Dream chaser

At least one of us can see our name in lights, right?

Wild Heart

Barefoot in the sand with images of you running through my mind

I move closer towards the water

So peaceful, so blue, crystal clear

I smile at the thought of what used to be

No longer in each other’s lives

I appreciate the memories though

The sand crumbles between my toes as I watch the sunset

We used to do this together

But here I stand alone left with the memory of me and you

Your hand touches my face as I feel the wind breeze through my hair

I can get lost in this moment forever

Say you’ll never leave

Please don’t go

But as the waves wash against the shore I am reminded that you’re leaving

Sand between my toes as I look out into a sea of beauty

The night sky is fast approaching and while I would love to stay and reminisce I must be going

There are new memories to be made

New beaches for me to explore

New opportunities for me to run barefoot

Freely taking in everything around me

Wild heart

 

Lost

Somehow I found myself standing at the edge of no return

Feeling as if I am all alone in this

A fight with no clear winner

A beginning with no end

Constantly running, reaching for something but it’s unclear as to what you’re reaching for

A smile plastered on a face that hides a deep sadness, a yearning for things to be different

Lost

Unsure where to go and how you’re going to get there

Lost

Unable to find your way amongst the sea of people who try and help you

Lost

As you stand at the edge of that cliff

Should you jump and take a chance or back away for fear of what might await you?

Smiling Through the Tears

Some days it’s hard to smile through the constant tears that invade my life, but I try.

A painted on grin from ear to ear masks a past filled with pain and uncertainty, which has grown as time has continued on.

Life. This interesting thing we are discovering filled with ups, downs, twists, turns, love, and heartache.

Learning to smile through the tears takes skill not many can master.

Not many will be faced with depression, sadness, anger, confusion, and so much more because of it.

I choose to smile, but there’s this lingering thought in my head questioning why?

You’re comfortable in the darkness, in the shadows, below those that shine brightly while you claw your way trying to get to where they are because you don’t recognize your full potential.

You’re not beneath anyone. In fact, you’re above.

Creating your own lane, creating a path all your own.

But sometimes you feel unworthy as if you don’t belong.

An outcry for help goes unheard because no one truly sees you for who you are and what you can become.

Greatness.

Indifference

I love you, but our circumstances aren’t so great

I wish you would change but only you can want that for yourself

Only you can see that there is something wrong with this dynamic

I don’t want to say you’re toxic because I love and care for you too much, but my heart aches each and every time you walk through the door

My heart aches each and every time you walk out the door

Back and forth. It’s like a tug-of-war with no winner

Just aches and pains as I watch sacrifices being made even if it means jeopardizing the peace that is here when you’re gone

But these are just my thoughts

The good should out way the bad

I love you, but I can’t sacrifice my peace for ¬†your enjoyment