Lost II

I’m unraveling at the seams and I can’t seem to find my way back to the normalcy I once felt.

There was a time where I knew what I wanted out of life, and now all that seems lost.

Somewhere down the line, I stopped giving a fuck.

I removed all my hopes and dreams and fell deeper in despair, into the pain.

This became my new normal.

This became my comfort zone.

This is where I reside today.

A ball of confusion, unsure of who I am and my purpose.

It’s a dangerous place to be in.

I stare back at my reflection wondering who are you, and why are you here?

After you’ve traveled so far down, it’s hard to come back up.

Am I willing to take that journey to find me again?

So much of me is broken that I don’t even smile to hide the pain anymore.

I’m lost and that’s okay. I’ll find my way back someday, somehow.

My life will mean something again.

 

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Did I do or Say Something Wrong?

Another “no” to add to my endless job search. This time it’s from a writing business called Shortform. I’m still waiting to hear back from a job I applied for with the city of Chicago. Fingers and toes crossed as I try to stay as optimistic as only a person can. Faith, you have to have faith, Morgan. And I do, it’s just difficult sometimes to keep that glimmer of hope alive when every opportunity I seek is met with a no response or a general message of why this company has decided not to hire you for one reason or another.

But I keep going despite the odds stacked against me. I keep going because there’s some part of me that still holds out hope that one day I’ll receive a yes, and it will be the yes of a lifetime. The one I’ve dreamed of. Lately, I’ve been going with the flow. I used to have an end goal in sight, but not anymore. I’ve lost it somewhere in the constant pile of nos. Life is like that sometimes, and it isn’t about the constant rejection. Rather it’s how I respond to it. Okay, I’m lying. It is about rejection. All the “Thank you but…” or “We appreciate your interest…” has got me feeling did I do or say something wrong?

Every so often it hits me, and I get into my feelings. And if you haven’t figured out already, this is one of those times. Writing has always been my passion and always will. However, I’ve contemplated starting over several times in a different career, but I’m not sure where to begin. There’s also an expiration date when it comes to careers and the field one chooses. And I feel as though I’ve reached mine with writing. I just don’t know anymore. Life is short, and so I often think about what my life will be like once my support system is gone home to be with Christ.

I want to be able to successfully provide for myself without question. I don’t want to be mediocre/average. Do I continue receiving nos as long as I can say I tried? I have a makeshift vision board in my room to remind me of the goals I have set for myself. Instead of using pictures, I chose words. How fitting? It’s dated for 2018 until, and I have yet to see any progress made. Maybe there’s progress happening behind the scenes. Some of what I wrote didn’t happen, but I’m okay with that because it’s life, and God has the final say. After all, we are all His children.

I can’t say fully why this company or that organization didn’t accept me. What I can do is continue to push forward even if I have no idea where I am headed. God has ordained my steps and I must trust and have faith in that. So, did I do or say something wrong? Yes, because they didn’t hire me, but their loss is my gain and I will continue to apply myself until my last breath.

Auntie

I’ve cried quite a few times

When I think about you it doesn’t seem real, feel real

I can’t seem to grasp my mind around the fact that you’re gone

But I know you’re resting peacefully

Grandma, Malcolm and Uncle Buck are with you

Not to mention all of your other relatives who have welcomed you with open arms

But I’m sorry I have to be selfish

Because I miss and need you here

I need to hear you laugh, see you smile, argue with me and remind me that you are the adult and I am the child

Cheer me on, give me courage when I am weak and nervous…

A part of me will always feel empty

A part of my heart shattered when you made your transition at 1:04 in the morning

You were more than just an auntie to me. You were my friend

I lean heavily on God and Jesus more than I did before

I can openly admit that

My faith has always been in existence

I don’t doubt that there’s a heaven and a hell

I don’t doubt that when it’s my time I will see you and all my loved ones again

I will continue to make you proud

I will continue to be there for my mom, Auntie Bae-Bae, Nivea, Kenya, Tray, and Alia because that’s what you wanted

I needed to write this as a means of release

To feel the waves of emotions pulsating through me

To continue and understand that just as there is a beginning, there’s also an end

To write what you already know…

I love and miss you auntie and I will forever be your Sir ❤

Dream Chaser

You went and followed your dreams

And here I am stuck

But it isn’t your fault

I can’t blame you

We both have different lives we live

Yours seem less confined

Mine has me feeling like I’m locked up in chains

But, you’re the dream chaser

I often wonder where would I be if this chair wasn’t holding me

Holding me hostage

Unable to excel at what my heart desires

Honestly though, I’ve got to laugh at that one cause I don’t know what my purpose is anymore

There isn’t that fire, that spark that has me jumping for joy

Just the taste of it and I’m hooked

But then I think about how maybe there’s a reason for this chair and a reason why things are the way they are in my life

Count your blessings you whinny asshole

It could be worse

And so I sit and daydream about that day when my dreams will manifest

You can’t let fear be your downfall

You clearly didn’t

But some things have limitations, and it’s clear what mine are

Dream chaser

At least one of us can see our name in lights, right?

Take Me Home (Poem)

Four-cornered room with four-cornered walls

A head full of dreams

Eyes gazed at the stars not knowing where I’m headed, not understanding how far I’ve come

God is the only consistent thing

Lord, please take me home

Home where there’s peace all around no worries holding me down

Lord, please fix this pain inside

Lord, please take my hand

As I sit and wonder what’s next for my life I watch as the sun transcends down

The night sky appears as tears escape my eyes

Lord, please take me home where I can be me, I can be free

Ungrateful

Misery loves company, and maybe you love watching all the unfortunate breaks happen to us because you’re not where you’d like to be

And maybe I’m stuck in my own self-pity

And you are too, but you’re also ungrateful

Unwilling to acknowledge all the things that are being done for you

Have been done for you

Fed up would be an understatement to how I feel at this point

I don’t doubt you love us, but I do know that you will take care of yourself first when it comes down to it

What we are dealing with is significantly small compared to the bigger and saddening catastrophes of the world

But yet, I still feel the weight

The sadness of my mother’s eyes

The hunger and dedication of wanting to better our situation and somehow I still come up short

My faith used to be enormous

It’s slowly dwindling down to nothing now

Circumstances can do that to a person

So I write to release

Getting out the feelings I can’t speak

I write

Hoping and praying that our situation will improve

It’s evident you’re not changing, but hopefully, I can better my circumstances

Because although I may be in misery right now, one thing is crystal clear…

I DO NOT WANT the company

 

Wild Heart

Barefoot in the sand with images of you running through my mind

I move closer towards the water

So peaceful, so blue, crystal clear

I smile at the thought of what used to be

No longer in each other’s lives

I appreciate the memories though

The sand crumbles between my toes as I watch the sunset

We used to do this together

But here I stand alone left with the memory of me and you

Your hand touches my face as I feel the wind breeze through my hair

I can get lost in this moment forever

Say you’ll never leave

Please don’t go

But as the waves wash against the shore I am reminded that you’re leaving

Sand between my toes as I look out into a sea of beauty

The night sky is fast approaching and while I would love to stay and reminisce I must be going

There are new memories to be made

New beaches for me to explore

New opportunities for me to run barefoot

Freely taking in everything around me

Wild heart

 

Smiling Through the Tears

Some days it’s hard to smile through the constant tears that invade my life, but I try.

A painted on grin from ear to ear masks a past filled with pain and uncertainty, which has grown as time has continued on.

Life. This interesting thing we are discovering filled with ups, downs, twists, turns, love, and heartache.

Learning to smile through the tears takes skill not many can master.

Not many will be faced with depression, sadness, anger, confusion, and so much more because of it.

I choose to smile, but there’s this lingering thought in my head questioning why?

You’re comfortable in the darkness, in the shadows, below those that shine brightly while you claw your way trying to get to where they are because you don’t recognize your full potential.

You’re not beneath anyone. In fact, you’re above.

Creating your own lane, creating a path all your own.

But sometimes you feel unworthy as if you don’t belong.

An outcry for help goes unheard because no one truly sees you for who you are and what you can become.

Greatness.

You Need to Have a “Come to Jesus” Moment With Yourself.

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Have you ever had a “come to Jesus” moment? With yourself? For someone else? I’ve had several, and each time I’ve learned the truth about myself whether I wanted to hear it or not. There are two things I need to acknowledge, however, before moving forward:

  1. What’s a “come to Jesus” moment?
  2. And what qualifies as a “come to Jesus” moment, who needs it, and when should it take place?

Now I know that question two was a bit loaded. But let’s address my reasoning behind this post first before answering the questions. There’s been a lot of back and forth in my life recently. Dealing with family, career, and everything in between. The only thing keeping me sane at this point is prayer and my faith. I’ve been exploring several options career-wise, going on interviews, getting rejected, and nothing seems to pan out.

And you could say well, join the club. There’s a lot of people experiencing rejection whether it’s with family, career, what have you. And you’re right, but maybe by me addressing this topic, I could help someone else out who might not know how to sort through everything. My reason for this post is because I am having a “come to Jesus” moment with myself right now.

I am acknowledging that I am not satisfied with how things are happening in my life, so this brings me to my first question: What’s considered a “come to Jesus” moment? Everyone has their own opinion, but I feel that having this sort of moment means that you’re acknowledging what is happening within your life or someone else’s life that you may care about, and you would like to see a positive change happen.

What qualifies as a “come to Jesus” moment, who needs it, and when should it take place? Acknowledging that you have certain situations happening in your life that you might not agree with, and willing to discuss it is what I feel qualifies as that moment. Anyone can have it, and it can take place anywhere. Over the phone, in person, even via email. 

Life is full of ups and downs, but taking those lessons in both the good and bad is honestly what I feel life is about. It’s about the journey. How you’ve managed to improve your life and make it better than say last year.

download (1)Improvement. Acknowledgment. Discussion. These are just three areas that I’ve been a part of in order to work through my own “come to Jesus” moment. I’ve acknowledged that there was an issue within my life, I’ve discussed that specific issue with who I needed to whether in prayer or talking with someone, and I’ve worked towards improving as best I can so that the issue/situation doesn’t linger if it doesn’t need to.

This saying “come to Jesus” moment is actually a saying that most are familiar with, but have maybe used a different saying or tactic behind getting to the resolution. Everyone’s different. This is my way of putting it out in the universe as a reminder to again, acknowledge my problems and try my best to rectify them as best I can.

Blessings,

M

Indifference

I love you, but our circumstances aren’t so great

I wish you would change but only you can want that for yourself

Only you can see that there is something wrong with this dynamic

I don’t want to say you’re toxic because I love and care for you too much, but my heart aches each and every time you walk through the door

My heart aches each and every time you walk out the door

Back and forth. It’s like a tug-of-war with no winner

Just aches and pains as I watch sacrifices being made even if it means jeopardizing the peace that is here when you’re gone

But these are just my thoughts

The good should out way the bad

I love you, but I can’t sacrifice my peace for  your enjoyment